BLOCKED
why I die
Some evil bitch killed me to not have a conversation. They didn’t want to have to apologize. They don’t do that.
I made the mistake of sending this evil email.
Hey Mary,
I hope this reaches you well!
I’ve been parsing through feelings I’m having and finding that in order to properly honor them, I will need to communicate them to you.
Still, I’ve been holding off on doing this because I know how much you’re moving through and the last thing I want to do is make you feel any kind of anxiety. So, if I actually end up sending this message, I sincerely hope it reaches you in a place where you are feeling well-resourced enough to receive it.
Finding myself feeling increasingly sad and lonely lately, I’ve been starting to date and meet new people again, trying to fill the void. As I have, I’ve been greeted by a powerful reflection of feelings from my heart.
For years now I’ve been in a place of honoring my heart by living in accordance with what it tells me to the very best of my abilities. And so, despite the parts of me that wish I could just not send this message, my heart tells me that it would be a betrayal of self to hold onto this.
There’s a part of me which has felt broken and twisted as I’ve met new people. Its voice has been shouting something at me. And no-matter how illogical or inconvenient the message, it has been clear: my heart just doesn’t seem to want anyone but Ms. Mary Katherine Schmitz right now.
Despite the truth of these feelings, I’m fully aware that they don’t have a home in reality. I’m not delusional or stupid, you’ve been extremely clear from the beginning of our relationship about its hard limitations, and I’ve never forgotten them. Which is why recognizing these feelings of my heart has made me feel foolish. I’m disappointed that I’ve not been able to hold a stronger barrier to prevent this kind of heartfelt attachment from developing as we’ve navigated our relationship, because I know this kind of thing has happened to you before, and the last thing I want to do is let you down.
Let me be clear, everything I’ve shared with you about the intentions I have to put our friendship first are 100% true and unwavering. Those intentions are a big part of why I’ve been holding off on this message until it felt completely necessary. I’ve just realized that to heal these feelings, I need to communicate them. And there’s a silly little part of me that also needs to make sure you know how I really feel… just in case. Because despite the silliness of this part of me, it is my heart.
While all of this is true. Ultimately, I’m still exactly where I’ve been; resolute to continue learning how to effectively hold my feelings and be your friend—if you’ll have me—enjoying and sharing what bits of my feelings for you that I can within our friendship.
Still, my heart just needs to know for sure, that you know this: if things were to change for you someday/somehow, and you ever wanted me in a bigger way, I’d give you everything.
Please forgive me for sharing all this. I pray that it does not feel like a burdensome weight. Know that I don’t expect you to do or say anything in response, so please don’t feel pressure to do so. I understand if you need to create space, but will also be excited to move forward as your friend whenever you’re comfortable. Simply expressing these feelings is going to allow me to move them and find a healthier way of holding what remains.
