Detective Daphne's Mind Problem
a poem
How could they do this to me?
What did I do wrong? Where did I mess up most? What’s happening with them where they wouldn’t care I’m dying inside? Why did they tell me I was wrong when I was being right? Why do I feel so unsafe inside? Why didn’t they know how I felt? Why didn’t they give me a chance to speak? Why couldn’t they just see me and give me the hug I needed?
Are they okay? Are they around? Are they missing? Are they really mad at me? Are they watching what I do and hate it and me? Are they just not paying any attention? Are they struggling and need help? Are they just not understanding how fucked up I am about what happened? Are they just an asshole?
Was it because I was inconvenient? Was it because I’m a trans woman? Was it because I wasn’t pretty enough or showed my ass too much? Was it because of the time I did this? Was it because of the time I did that?
Am I a psychic witch? Am I cursing them and myself? Am I saving the world with my heart? Am I saving them? Am I crazy to believe what my heart says loudest and clearest? Am I wrong to trust that is says the world is wrong and I am not and something needs to be seen to between me and this person? Am I just really fucking autistic and can’t let go of being so misunderstood by a person who was the first friend and lover I made as a woman and led me to believe we’d be those friends for life in one way or another?
Do they know what they did? Do they know what they said? Do they know how they lied? Do they just love me and could never face it because it was too hard to do what we had promised and hold the relationship passed possessive boundaries of singularity? Do they know it’s really fucked up to not talk it out with me regardless? Do they know I’ll forgive them for everything forever because I’m intense about understanding what my heart says and will always be seeking reconciliation in some manner no matter what and hate me for it?
Is there something I can do to fix this? Is there someone who can help me get through to them? Is it something I did that made them go mad or kill themself or think me a psycho stalker who was coming for them? Is my mind okay?
Can they just help me not want to die?
Solution - Why do I feel so unsafe inside?
How do I trust myself when the person I trusted most has hurt me the worst and not cared to help me feel better? I must now prove it somehow wrong; what they taught of me to myself. I need this validation to be returned in some way to know the thing I trust the most—my heart—didn’t break me for nothing at all; that my life is not a lie.