Manifesting Chaos
on learning the esoteric practice of manifestation from the inside out
I’m often driven into certain practices and pursuits. Pushed by forces of intuition or fate which bring something to my attention with great emphasis. Sometimes in dreams. Sometimes through my own channeled insights. Sometimes of purest chance.
Manifestation, the spiritual practice of setting intentions for what you would like to bring into your life via meditation, ceremony, and trusting spirit to hear your call and deliver — no clearer example of an interest which was emphatically brought to my attention by the universe.
The story of how I found this practice and its importance was impressed upon me is for another day. I’ve got a strange feeling this essay will be long enough already, despite not really knowing where it is my heart wants to go with this.
What matters, is that I’ve poured untold amounts of time into my own personal manifestation meditations and ceremonies. Along with leading live group meditations on the subject, recording guided meditations, and even hosting an online workshop. I’ve been pouring years and years of effort into this practice.
Truthfully, it was a very large part of my journey into finally accepting my womanhood and beginning gender transition.
Yet, over the course of the last two years, following the path set forth by my intentions of manifestation, I’ve watched my life become completely uprooted in the most traumatic ways, a fucking warzone of grief.
Navigating this time, I have come to wonder…
Am I doing this right?
In search of that clarity, I’ve moved forward with caution.
The insights which have come, have taught me that appearances may be deceiving. Perhaps, this chaos around me is the strange birthing of a better future. While my life may look a wrecking yard right now — I believe I’m still being led to those places so felt in meditation.
I can see how despite things which have broken and fallen away in my life, what begins to now fill their place is more of what is truly needed, it’s more natural and honest. I’m better off than I was.
Trust in the process is something I’ve somehow held onto, despite a literal mental breakdown along the way.
Even just after and in the middle of my mental health crisis, I could see how the seemingly vicious chaos around me was actually re-arranging my life for the better in tangible ways, despite its horrors.
Certainly, this most extreme path I’ve followed has provided many lessons. Foremost that I push too hard. My enthusiastic vigor, wielded in ignorance, is the bringer of this chaos so attached to my manifestations. No truer affirmation of the reality of magik than the regret one’s faced with who has jumped in the deep end, not fully respecting the nature of the powers they are playing with.
Still, it seems to work. I’m alive. It’s just brought change through flames. Not the flowering journey of ascension I’d so imagined. Indicative of getting exactly what I asked for with my foolish, and verbatim, intentions of calling for radical change in my life.
Now, rising from the ashes of this transformative inferno, I find myself reborn. Believing deeply that these manifestations work, but you should be more careful than I’ve been. Naive enthusiasm causes intense results.
So, let’s get into this.
What does a manifestation meditation look like? How do you do it?
The Practice
Step one is to get totally zen-yoked.
I just made that term up as far as I know. It’s a thing now.
The point is. You should be very well hydrated and have eaten good clean foods recently. You should be in a nice and quiet, comfy-cozy place. You should also have touched some grass quite recently and stretched your body. Or as many of these things as possible. Plant medicines encouraged but not explicitly necessary.
In fact, this is precisely how I set myself up for success in any endeavor, but even more so when pursuing spiritual ceremony or intention-based meditation.
Then we breathe. We relax our bodies. We get in touch with all our chakras, the divine light above, the earth below, and our heart in the very middle. If we’re lucky and we’re practicing in group, we also connect with each other and all the spiritual support each one of us bring to the container.
Then we fill our hearts with whatever makes us feel the strongest feelings of gratitude. I use my most cherished memories, ones which bring me back to the purest feelings of gratitude I’ve ever experienced. But you could use anything. Even your cat, Mr. Muffins.
Visualization is key for this.
At this point, it’s time to explore. To think on ideas of abundance. Realizing what that means to you. Allowing yourself to grasp specifics that come. Whether that be a place you want to live or visit, somebody you want to see thriving in life alongside you, or accomplishments you seek to achieve.
Here, in this early stage, all is allowed — as long as it’s good for everybody, not just yourself. Otherwise, go wild with your most needy-ass self. Think about whoever and whatever brings you the most joy. Down to the most superficial and unrealistic things you can imagine. Truly, whatever your heart most desires.
After witnessing whatever comes into this space for moment, is when the important stuff comes in.
Now, it’s time to find yourself in that future, see yourself.
In meditation, and when I’m leading folks on guided visualizations, I have us find a seat across from this ‘future’ self and then imagine a tether of energy connecting our heart to theirs.
You sit there in meditation with your future self. Feeling into the abundance of life force around you, and channeling it through your body and your heart, out to this version of you.
The final step is to consciously flip the perspective around, to see through their eyes, and feel through their heart.
Some of the most profound heart-openings of my life have come when shifting into that perspective. Tearful and healing epiphanies through the eyes of these selves from the future.
Here, in the feelings of this future we’ve connected with. It’s time to alchemize away the specifics. To release control. To let go of any details in this manifestation, apart from how you feel in that future. The entire process up to this point, simply a path to get you to this emotion.
By holding tightly these feelings, without the specifics, we empower ourselves to attract the future of our dreams in ways we cannot even fathom. By opening ourselves to the pure emotion our heart’s most seek, and releasing all people, places, and achievements that our minds imagined would be the things to take us there, the process is purified, releasing our false sense of control.
Any time I do this personally or in group. I emphasize the idea of connecting with futures that have equally prosperous abundance and freedom for everyone. Coaching people to have visions that do not impede other folks’ free will.
It’s the only moral way to do this. Otherwise, you are essentially doing ‘bad magik’ that is going to come back on your ass. To manifest in any way that doesn’t hold the truest and blankest space for the highest and greatest good of all beings is simply wrong.
Despite my most honest intentions to release all attachment when pouring into this practice, I believe it is those unseen and more limited parts of me still grasping for control which have caused the chaos to be born alongside my progress.
Which is exactly why, when I lead these kinds of meditations, I have people imagine futures that are equally bright for every living soul. It’s also why I spend so much time in the ‘releasing attachment and control’ portion.
The very end of these meditations is usually a hug. An embrace shared with our future self. A blending and merging. The goal to bring an embodiment of this joyful and abundant future self’s energy into your body, here and now, so you can start acting as your more thriving self immediately.
Ultimately, the idea is that this will inspire you to act in ways which will bring this existence you’ve connected with towards you. Igniting your intuition to lead you there. Bringing the magik and people your way meant to help shine the path.
Sometimes, when doing this practice, visions come that are not a creation of my conscious mind. Receptions and impressions of what I believe to be potential moments in my own future.
Visions of the Future
I believe our futures are not written.
Perhaps, there are some things we’ve signed up for. Things we cannot escape no matter which way we go. Parts of our lives agreed upon ahead of time. But to my very bones, I believe our free wills matter, each and every one of us. There are choices in this life, and I think that’s what life is about. Making choices and learning from them.
Truthfully though, I don’t know. Maybe it’s all written on some level, down to the very last chaotic human travesty, just some twisted story we’re playing out.
Regardless, through this work of manifestation, I have come to believe we can alter the course of our lives. That when we shout to the universe about what it is we want most, it listens and shows us the way. Not necessarily by the means we’d first imagine or prefer. Still, leading us directly towards the feelings our manifestations have evoked.
Filmmaking was the first creative endeavor I truly immersed myself in, spending much of my adolescence obsessed with the idea of creating great fiction in cinema.
Through that longest held artistic aspiration, I’ve spent hundreds and hundreds of hours visualizing and storyboarding images I would later record and edit, actively pre-visualizing the imagery I would bring to screen. I got very good at seeing these internally created images in my mind.
So, when I became an avid meditator and yogi and began to experience flashes of what could only be described as third eye awakening. It was shocking, and easy to tell the difference. As someone who has genuinely toned the mental muscles for intentionally generating imagery in her mind. It’s been easy to recognize how different it feels to receive images from elsewhere.
I watch these receptions, not imagine them. I can fully invest my mind in thoughts of how wild and crazy it is to be seeing what I’m seeing, and the scene will still continue without my assistance.
These third-eye visions come so distinctively from outside myself. Or perhaps, the most extreme depths within.
When I manifest nowadays, I often go very specific places. Places I’ve found before in visions received. Locations I’ve grown to know through a kind of divine distillation.
My favorite way of receiving something is the all-at-once kind of way. Sometimes I get an image which comes through that somehow contains a whole lot of extra information. When thought on for a moment, I’ll realize there is more to unpack. Immediately knowing much more about the geography of a location than that initial snapshot had shown, with feelings attached that give powerful emotional context.
I’ve had sessions start with that kind of immediate download, where I proceed to simply imagine resting in the place I’ve been shown, to receive more images flowing in stream.
The first spot which came to me like this, is what I call my retirement home. After a powerful yoga session, the very first time I seriously applied this learned process of manifestation in a self-guided meditation, the clearest imagery of a home came to me. Though, not in richest detail.
I could see my study, where I worked, with books I’d written on the shelf. I saw the windows at the back of the house, which overlooked a grassy backyard and led down to a dock on the water. From the beginning, it came with a knowing that I was much older, and that I had a daughter who was out in the world thriving.
It was specifically a daughter, and years before Logan existed in any form or fashion. I always thought that was weird. But it was the number one reason when my ex was pregnant, I was sure she had a girl in there.
Never could I see my future self, rather sensing them. They’d walk down through the grass to the dock and sit in meditation on the waterfront. It’s in this place I would connect with them.
I say ‘them’, because I started this practice when I thought I was going to live my whole life repressed; a man. So, I’d tried to imagine an old masculine version of myself.
Checks out now why I was never able to see him.
Before I separated from my ex, I would try and bring her into this vision through intent. Once, I saw her in a very detailed kitchen I hadn’t seen previously, her beautifully aged face smiling. It was strange though. I had done that meditation dozens and dozens of times at that point, trying to bring her in constantly, never able to see her in any way before or after that once.
Now that we’re separated it makes sense that perhaps I was seeing her on a visit. Something rare. Still, it was striking to see her older face, because I can’t do that consciously. I’m genuinely incapable of seeing what age will do to someone’s face with my active imagination.
Even after my transition had begun, sight of myself in this vision remained a blur.
Except once. There was a singular time where I was met with a whole host of additional images never seen before or since.
This one received vision, was the only time I’ve seen a more elderly future self with any kind of clarity, fully transformed. I was wearing a black kind of dress with poofy shoulders. Something I would have literally never imagined myself wearing. Elegant and feminine. It felt like it was after some kind of event I’d dressed up for.
As I’m watching this future self walk across her patio, itself in more detail than ever before seen — completely unexpectedly — a person who meant a lot to me at the time, literally popped their head out of a window above.
This legitimately made me jump because it was so outside of my creation. Yet, there they were, this person I knew but older, face so clear in all its age. They teased me to hurry up and get back inside as I walked down to the dock.
When I switched into my future perspective at the end of this one. I could see my hands and nails — done up in ways I’ve never seen — looking far more feminine than I’d ever have expected.
I’ve tried to see myself that way again. Never have I been able to re-conjure the images of self I was gifted with that night.
This retirement home was my first and most used waypoint for manifestation. I still go there. And honestly believe I’ll get there someday. Even though details are surely wrong, I know the feelings will be true.
On top of this ultimate future waypoint, which I use as my touchstone. I’ve sought nearer points in the future to help me through tough times.
Two have come and passed. It’s truly a bizarre moment when you realize you’re sitting where you were in a vision of the future. Recognizing differences in the details, but also how it feels the same inside.
Early in my separation, I was seeing someone casually. It was known that the relationship — as it was — would be fleeting. Yet, I think we both believed the friendship would last. I certainly did. They were the person who popped out of that fucking window after all.
I bring them up because they were a big part of my life at that moment, and I was searching for some waypoint to touch in the next few years. Some place I could reach out towards, which could help me feel peace, that wasn’t as far away as my ‘retirement home’. Needed specifically because my separation was so extremely challenging at the time.
With intentions of finding this nearer future to work towards, I sat. Again, I do this process often, and it’s extremely rare that I receive images. I almost always spend my time actively imagining places I’ve seen before.
However, this time, I found myself graced with a powerful vision.
A beach. Rocky, cold, and beautiful. I always see it overcast. And there’s a cabin close by.
I’ve seen this place so clearly, I swear it’s real. I’ve even tried to find it on vacation rental services, trolling the west coast for beach spots.
Although I haven’t found it, I would know if I did.
My first image of this place was a purest reception. I was walking the beach in the early morning, and a dog was with me in clear, running the coastline. It was that friend’s sweetest dog.
That’s all it was at first. Yet, again, this was one of those images with attached knowings. The feelings attached were simply that I was embodying the deepest sense of peace I’d ever known, and that person I cared for was sleeping in while I walked the beach with their dog in the morning.
I began revisiting this one often. Easily my most cherished place for some time. I’d just go sit on that beach in my mind and regulate instantly, find my whole heart.
To my dismay, I’ve since fallen out with this person, lost them as even a friend. And since I don’t fuck with the ‘bad magik’ of visualizing futures with people who want no involvement with me, I completely banished myself from using this waypoint.
However, in a very bleak moment of Summer 2024 — itself one of the darkest of times in my life — I revisited this beach, after a long time away.
Just realizing how badly I needed to feel those vibes again, I decided to go back. My intentions were to very intentionally not bring my lost friend into it. Blanking them out for a blur of a person I’ve not met yet. But still getting to feel the vibes of that magnificent fucking place and all the coziness.
Holy shit. I saw it clearer than ever. Such a reception. So far beyond mechanisms of my creative mind. It was like watching video. And despite myself, there was Daisy, my friend’s dog.
When I go to this place with my own active imagination, I just sit with the waves and the vibes. Sitting on the beach and listening to the ocean is all I need. The feeling of loving comradery and peaceful comfort this vision afforded me was just a bonus.
This time, seeing everything so clearly. I intended to sit across from myself and share energy between our hearts.
In my years of doing this and my many receptions of imagery, I’ve never seen a clearer image of my face out ahead of time. It was me, but in the nearish future. Radiant, glowing, happy, and more relaxed than I think I’ve ever been.
Somehow, I knew I was writing a book in that cabin.
With this version of self so clearly there before me — I just studied all the changes from a couple years of transition.
Mind you, I’m like the saddest girl in the world at this point. I’d been getting continually wrecked by this nightmare relationship I was destroying myself with during the Summer. And somehow, I’m seeing myself in this near future, happier and thriving beyond what I’ve ever known in this life.
This is all still in pure ‘reception-mode’. I’m watching this play in my mind without control.
There she is, me, right before me on that beach. Now, not only the dog, but also an awfully familiar looking person are behind me in the distance. It’s here as I’m struggling to emotionally handle this image, when my future self leans forward to hold me. The emotions and waves of healing in my body were unreal as we hugged.
Again, I’m being blown away by how not in control of the imagery I am, especially as its beginning to interact with me.
Pulling back and looking me in the eyes, my future self says, with deepest conviction, “I know you’re really, really sad right now. But you don’t have anything to be sad about.”
She then emphasized, with the biggest smile, “You don’t have anything to be sad about.”
She was so fucking happy. And I knew in that moment I was not being lied to. I could and can still feel in my heart that the feelings associated with this future are in fact coming my way.
I can feel my own future’s abundance and peace so vividly in that place. Itself existing in an era of my life built of relaxation and joy like I’ve never known. Clearly, not working for a living in the traditional sense which has dragged me down so long. That much is beyond clear, along with me being a writer in some capacity.
As I’ve continued moving forward through tumultuous times, those words that version of myself spoke to me have brought great solace. I remind myself often how I don’t have anything to be sad about, and especially the smile on my face when I’d said it.
Still, I know that the actual imagery I’ve seen contains projections of mind. Either in part or whole, things will be different. It’s the feelings which matter, that will be true.
I feel myself being ever pulled toward the place those feelings truly reside. Whoever’s side I’m really by in them, even if it’s just my own, and the others I’ve seen there are projections of the love I eventually feel for myself.
There is an additional truth in these visions which is known to me. That the world is changing for the better. That however chaotic and fucking horrifying things might be right now, just like my life, we’re seeing a wrecking ground of chaos in our world that will come to birth something beautiful.
My heart, in this near future point I’ve connected with, just a couple years from now, has found true knowing that everything is going to be okay. A kind of ultimate trust in the universe has been born within her. Powerful events in my life somehow create an unshakable belief that everything works out. That all is as meant to be. That we’re all looked after and heading towards healing collectively, even when it’s painful and messy. A kind of fearless faith found in our ultimate safety in the hands of spirit. Humbled by the sights and powers of this incredible universe and the blessings of my life. Free in peace at last.
What actually gets me to this place, I do not know.
Through trust and honest intention, I plan to find out.
