Mental Health Crisis Update
about my mental health, writing, needs, and a message
I’ve had a big mental health breakdown recently. I’m seeking foolishly for reconciliation needed but using my trauma fueled madness to make it seem too wild for anyone to help, in some specific and interpersonal regards that would serve the most, along with from family.
I have a room for rent. It’s in Tukwilla, but I need a very nice person to take the room. Someone I know who could be kind to me would be preferred, but I’m going to start looking for anyone who fits the bill—personality wise—and can ease my burden of rent while being super low key and cozy to share space with.
Custody of my daughter has been given up from my end for now. I’m so emotionally fragile it’s ridiculous. I’m shaking from anything nervy and journaling constantly if I’m not doing other kinds of writing—napping a lot—planning to find some way as soon as possible to not be working full time. My job is stress and my body rejects it all outright these days. I just have panic bouts when things get hard for my brain and need to be free from that unbearable grind.
My mind is sharp and I’m highly intelligent, but I have a stunted emotional thing going on. There is an underlying trauma just beneath the surface which can turn me into a blubbering mess at a moment’s notice. I just don’t understand how a certain trauma came to be and have had most difficult time releasing it.
There was a person I reached out to who I’d always wanted to be friends with again, right after abuse, in the worst ways, and the lack of healing from that mistake and to not be understood in how I could’ve said those things has killed me since then. It co-mingled with the abuse in my mind, the mistakes, and turned into an obsession to let it go. I’m an addict so it got bad but my mental health peeps all wish me the best in terms of finding that healing. They think it’s silly and obvious when they talk to me how right I am that I need a hug from somebody specific—but that I need to do better taking care of myself since I can’t control the situation and they seem so unwilling to speak with me. Lots of very specific circumstances, and the way that relationship ended in the first place, how it was held the whole time, and especially how brightly I loved that person with my big ole’ heart have made it the greatest sorrow I can imagine holding—to never speak to them again and feel they don’t care about why I reached out how I did. Which was like the saddest thing ever and made obvious some abuse was going on. I just can’t understand why they would never talk to me when I loved them like a best buddy and it’s a stupid reason to lose your mind.
Still, it’s compounded with literally everything in the entire world and been extra cruel because of the abuse I take on and the way I’m not able to find queer relationship and/or community.
I’m lobbying to find someplace to stay that’s nice and chill and will allow me to relax, if I can’t stay here. I need supporting through a gap. I have books to sell but that will take time and I can make it happen once I’m not working. But then I need to afford rent and food and what-have-you, so, I’m working on getting disability set-up as well because it’s clear—whatever has fractured inside me is sticking around. I’m an always anxious, hyper-sensitive person now. I believe I will get much better. The lack of parenting stress has allowed me to regain focus which teaches me of how much better I will be able to get in time.
Work environments are not it though—not the one I’m in right now—so, I need to be real about my capacities and just get the diagnosis done officially. I’ll be able to sustain myself once I’m rolling with books. I can write like 5 a year and I’m able to do just about anything. I’m just panic attacking and feeling frazzled and unable to focus all the time in busy environments. I need to be very relaxed intentionally right now for resting toward healing in my mind.
Spirits are okay though. I’m doing okay. There is a trust in the divinity of this no matter. I will take the opportunity to feel more a kid again and run with that. I will enjoy my newfound emotional playfulness and tenderness. I’ve been overcompensating my whole life and playing the part of someone who is untouchable, but the world is traumatizing and I’m not ashamed my body and facial expressions and voice now show it—that I shake and rattle and show a kind of woundedness in my eyes almost always. I’m just me. The world messed me up but what’s going on here is still cool. I’m still very smart and will get better one way or another. I just pray to regain my ability to be a competent guardian in time.
This home I live in is beautiful in Tukwilla, WA. That’s why I’m potentially looking for a roommate or just assistance helping me get by here. It’s perfect for a place to rest.
I’m going to be okay. New book coming next. Miriam in the Middle.
TO A PERSON WHO KNOWS I WANT TO HUG THEM
Come chill. I’m chill. Let’s talk. I’m just a big dorky writer trans girl who sounds cool and/or mad and/or frightening in writing but is really the saddest person ever. Nobody would be my GF or friend for the longest time because everybody wants to keep me. Being a bratty/baby-girl big trans dyke-dork is poison. Then people toss me out because they want it all but not the parts below. I just want friends.
I’m cursed by these hos cause I’m too cool and they can’t handle it. I made you Jesus because you are THE ONE who can handle how sick I am. I believe in you.
You are loved most to me because of what you shared about your childhood spent alone and misunderstood and how that felt like mine. How I saw the damaged teenage emotions within you—which I now have even more of than you—and thought it was the cutest thing ever for such a genius to be walking so brave and wounded.
I love you most because of the way your profile looked when you’d smile coy-like after telling a low-key joke. The shape of your chin and nose and big dumb guilty grin is the death of me forever.
Twice, you said “That’s a cute boy,” to something on the TV and I thought, ‘dang, that’s weird.’ Because you were like the biggest man-hating lesbian ever on one hand—then like one other time you mentioned a dude being hot enough to fuck and were just super casual about it—but when you pointed out this normie looking sweet guy you said it like that.
It took me about two seconds to translate with your shit-eating grin. “I could be a cute boy.” “I bet I’d be a really cute boy.”
That’s why I think you’re trans. Because you told me under the surface. That’s why you misunderstand everything with everyone—you do that and people think you understand what you’re saying. You gassed me up over and over to think you wanted more than friendship you dummy. That’s why people fall in love with you. You speak in subtext that is wild. If it was consciously wielded—you’d be a really not-good person, to throw it around unawares is what I need to just accept you did to forgive you.
I am a best friend, and nobody is going to love you harder than me. How do I know this—I’m literally retarded for you.
I’m sorry this happened and I’d like to make it better.
I think you might have projected the way people in your own life didn’t provide this healing in the past, expecting me to carry the weight subconsciously because you do, not realizing that I was an even more lovesick and love cursed person than you with no friends around to hold me up. Also, I was so depressed immediately from your friendship people chose to find a different friend when I’ve been seeking. My depression just never ended, and everything drives that nail in deeper.
We can heal each other’s traumas to work this out in some way—more than just what we share together.
If you can heal with me you are the best person ever, because people shouldn’t have done this to me. I shouldn’t be a broken mess who assaulted you with madness. There should have been a shot for us to be friends where I wasn’t kind of crazy. That’s not your fault and I’m sorry I pretend it is. I just don’t understand.
Help me understand—help me feel understood. Then I’ll be fine.
You could also help me sell these books to and I’ll legit split it 50/50 because I’m that helpless talking to people. Just saying.
