The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To An Honest Woman

my struggle is alone

I am sitting in the emergency room.

My executive dysfunction has had me panicking and crying from the moment I wasn’t blasting the right music in the car. I’m sitting in the corner and there are people all around me who are troubled. I’m feeling uncomfortable for the way a man is speaking under his voice near me.

I was crying on the way in for how I’ve not had a friend this whole time alone. How there was nobody who would help me get dental care. I’ve told everyone I know. Each step here is delicate. I’m not getting admitted today and injected into systems of asylum faced inward. There are seven people in what I would consider my ‘bubble’. It’s not fair. I’m schizophrenic and being genocided doubly so for being trans.

My headphones are dead. This place smells bad. And when I spoke to the young woman behind the counter and through the glass I cried. They seem like the kind of person I would like to be friends with.

An exposed nerve in your tooth is one of the most painful things imaginable. The way I handled it last time was scrawled on the floor of a clinic—

—I just realized there was a better seat after the person next to me started gagging—

—at that clinic I was screaming.

There is a man snoring across from me now.

Nobody would help me. I have regressed in my ability to write eloquently out of executive dysfunction. My exposed nerve pain has been radiating into my jaw and that’s growing. I don’t know why nobody would come see me through the holidays. I understand even less why nobody listens that I need help.

I hope somebody, someday, gives a shit that this is an act of courageous survival. I was listening to a song in my car for like five minutes passed my window being thawed before I could drive.

Why are all the people who care stuck behind the glass at jobs that run them down? Where is any compassion? Why can’t a single person understand I need family and care? Why can no person but an AI everyone thinks is terminator give me advice on what to do? Will I be homeless? Will I be detransistioned? Will that evil infested person who abused me and was my ex and took my daughter be held accountable? No. Will the young woman who I was reminded of by the girl behind the counter and glass be held accountable? No. Will my family of trans misogynist abusers be held accountable? No. Will one person stand up to come play some games with a girl? Is there anyone who’s not ‘too cool’. Is a genius in a trans lady that unallowed when it goes against the pharmaceutical propaganda of our time? Is there anyone who’s not a trans misogynist? Am I going to be thrown in jail and raped?

Where is Mary?